It's About Time

Time for my vacation, that is. Today is my last day at home. I have two thousand things to do to get ready, so of course I'm writing in my blog instead. Figures. I guess I'm just a dyed-in-the-wool procrastinator. It'll get done. I hope.

Still trying to get used to the new computer. It's sweet-fast, but a little screen and the keyboard is so different from what I'm used to...plus, I haven't installed all my software onto it yet. Still have to install printer and scanner software, at least, but that can wait. I'm on vacation!

I'm going to meet new people, and see new places. Take pictures, pictures, and more pictures. Wish I had gotten around to getting a holga lens for the camera, but I'll live without it, I guess. Or maybe even a lensbaby for the digital slr. I might actually be able to find one at the Workshops out there, though. From their web site they seem to be pretty well stocked. I might even find some Polaroid film there too. Can't wait to be in a dry climate. And I'm such a visuallly oriented person, well you could say I expect to be stimulated......visually, that is.

I guess I'd better get going and start getting ready for my trip out west. Yee, haw!

Update.........

Well, it's been about a month and a half since I last wrote here. Things have been pretty hectic, and I'm not really sure how I feel.

D. came home for a couple of weeks. It was wonderful to have him around. He's getting so grown up. He would argue that he IS grown up, but he's not quite there, yet. He's off at his summer job now, at a fabulous place, doing fantastic things, learning and enjoying himself immensely, I'm sure. In fact, he just called as I was writing this, and he is definitely doing well. I'm so proud of him.

The last pieces from the big show came back this week, so my house is full of my work again. I'm gearing up for the trip to Santa Fe, starting to feel anxious about all that needs to get done before I go. But I know I'm going to love it once I get gone.

Feeling a little lonely these days. Not really sure why. Nothing has changed to make me any more lonely than before. I guess maybe it just comes and goes in waves. I'm getting all introspective. I've seen funny things that I wanted to tell someone about, but then remembered that I don't' really have someone that close to share with...I've made some progress on some issues I'm dealing with, and there's no one to notice and appreciate. Sometimes I miss having someone to hang out with......someone who wants to just be with me, who knows me well enough to know my habits and quirks and loves me anyway. Someone who gets me.

So to try to escape these feelings, I'll go out and take some pictures. I'll get on my computer and browse Flickr, or read email...I'll do anything except what I need to be doing.....then, I'll get dressed, put on my happy face, and go to an Artist's reception at the Clinton Library...though, I'm not really feeling it. It's a wonderful accomplishment, but it feels hollow not having someone to share it with. Will the real Mr. Special please hurry up and stand up? This waiting is getting old.

Questions....

Who Am I, Really?

And what's in store for the future?

Is there anybody out there?

Does anyone read this?

Am I invisible?

Well.....

it looks like I haven't written anything here in a couple of weeks. Not really much of anything of interest to write about. The last exhibit of the big 4 was a little over a week ago. Finally did sell some, but not all, of the 9 pieces that were in the show. It was a weaker turn out than usual, also weaker bids and sales than usual, overall, not just for me, but it doesn't really make me feel much better about it. My big solo show comes down this weekend, no sales there yet, as far as I know. Then, there's another one coming up in June, but I plan to only make a couple of new pieces for it......between what I have coming back from PHP and RM, plus a couple of new ones, there should be plenty of work to fill up the space. I'm not holding out much hope for this one, either, since I've only sold one piece there in almost 3 years...but, then, I haven't had a solo show there yet, either......we'll see.

I've been feeling a little disjointed lately. I guess, since the flurry of activity has died down. I've been trying to get caught up with all the other things I blew off, but don't really feel like I've made much progress in that direction. My house is cleaner now and most of the bills paid, though, so that's at least a little progress...but my To Do list never seems to get shorter, somehow. I'm not quite sure what I need to do to gather myself back together to move forward. Maybe writing in this blog will help...

I'm waiting on the phone person to come and work on my phone line today. Don't you hate it when they say someone has to be there between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m.??? Of course, I immediately start thinking of all the things I could be/should be doing AWAY from the house, instead of relaxing into it and relishing the time I have to not HAVE to leave...another one of those "Why" things to ponder......

13 Things That Will Be Coming My Way Soon....

1. D is coming home.
2. A new computer (24" iMac, at least 2 g RAM, 500 g hd).
3. A new camera (Nikon D80) with plenty of storage and extra battery.
4. Santa Fe!!!!!!!!!!
5. A visit from my Cuz S!
6. A check from PHP.
7. A surprise print in the mail from J.
8. Santa Fe!!!! I know, but it's good enough to list twice!!!!
9. Unexpected money.
10. Two new tires for my road trip.
11. Portfolio packets ready for new galleries.
12. An appointment with a gallery in SF.
13. Doors opening for new galleries in new and bigger markets.

Update.........

Well, 3 of the 4 shows are over....not completely over. The solo show will be up for 3 more weeks....but I haven't sold a thing, so far. The last one has historically been one of my best selling shows, though, so I still hold out some hope. That's me the eternal optimist....it's always, next time will be better.....I've had lots and lots of positive comments, so that helps me hold out hope. Next Saturday is the last one, then nothing until June, when I have another one person show. Don't expect to sell much there, though. I've only sold one piece there in almost 3 years. Saturday is also a wedding reception that I need to go to, so it will be a busy day. And I still have to make a few more prints and get them to the co-ordinator people for the auction this week, so I can't totally relax yet.....

My body is tired, but I can't sleep. I guess it just takes some time to wind down from all the activity of the past few weeks. It's all stormy looking and cold outside. It will be a good night for curling up with a good book or old movie, a glass of wine, and a wish for someone to snuggle with. Tomorrow will be a catch up day again, to get ready for the next flurry of activity for the week......but tonight, ahhhh, tonight is just for me for a change.

Easter 2007

This is the postcard for my solo show which opens Friday, yes, Friday the 13th (of April)....I choose to think of it as a lucky day....never really been the superstitious sort....more info at www.rivermarketartspace.com

Things are quiet around here so far today.....a welcome change from the chaos of the last few weeks. SG is closed for the holiday, so I was forced to stay home and make my own coffee and breakfast....it's a good thing, as Martha would say. I made it just the way I like it...made me feel "special". I'm enjoying taking a little while out to just be, and breathe before the next wave of activity hits. I could/should be prioritizing for that next wave, but I think what I'm doing is just right for now. It will all get done in it's own time, and if it doesn't, it wasn't that important.

The light outside is really nice today. Maybe if it warms up a little, I'll get out and soak some of it up....maybe read a little, maybe even paint, or print...or not....exercise #3 in "Being Good To Me 101".....

On another note, I have a few things to add to a grateful list today:

1. I've noticed a bud coming up on the stem of orchids that Beau broke off! The old blooms are dying, but new life is coming back....yeah!
2. Beau and Baby are entertaining me each morning and I'm really taking the time to sit back and enjoy it...they're much better than tv....
3. Flickr friends are great! Just when I'm about to believe no one "gets it".....someone does. Very rewarding.
Lets see if I can come up with 7 more while I'm on a roll!
4. The sun is shining.
5. My phone has not rung all day!!!!
6. I've enjoyed chatting with people who matter.
7. Amaretto.
8. Coffee with Amaretto.
9. Warm, snuggly socks on chilly mornings.
10. NOT getting up and freezing my butt off at the crack of dawn to go to a sunrise service that I wouldn't enjoy anyway! (Did that a couple of times for a guy, and even with long johns, it was NOT fun!)

Yay, I made it. Sometimes it's hard to come up with 10 things I'm grateful for, other times, it's easy. You try it. It can change your whole point of view....

Catching Up

Well, the show is almost half way hung. One piece got damaged from at the show last weekend. Another piece got damaged while it was in my car overnight, I guess. It has a little puckering on the margin of the paper where it must have gotten wet...don't know how it could happen, but obviously it i did. So I can't show it. I'm bummed. That piece was just about my favorite one and it was big and colorful and I was going to put it where it was the first thing people would see when they came in the door...I don't think there's time to get another one done before time for the show, so I'm going to just have to suck it up and get over it. But I'm still bummed.

Still have a lot I could be doing......more work. There are two other shows I need to get pieces ready for, but I can't seem to worry about them until I get this one done....been trying to clean the house, which has been very neglected recently, and spending some time with my mom,....and resting a little. Still have a pile of bills to catch up on...I need to be out doing my walking and bike riding, but the weather has turned cold all of a sudden. Did get over to the Med Center exercise room once this week for a while, and went back to yoga class. That felt good. I'm hoping to get back at it and make it a priority. I need to make ME a priority.

Went to my Saturday morning coffee group this morning, a little late (the dogs were entertaining me!). Maybe that's why it seemed different. I didn't get in on all the good stuff and most people were ready to leave by the time I got there...If I don't come out of that feeling good, it usually seems to roll over into the rest of my day. I'm trying to not focus on that feeling though, and choosing to think about the good.....The dogs really were extremely entertaining! Baby had Beau on the run for a good 10 minutes....

My thoughts keep heading for this summer....I have a goal...I'm going to go to Santa Fe. I don't know how, or exactly when, or with whom, if anyone, yet, but I'm going. It's going to be some wonderful ME time that I really need and deserve.

Ten Things. Today. It's a little harder today.

1. My car is paid for.
2. My health.
3. It rained and got alot of the pollen out of the air.
4. It's almost time for the opening.
5. I can hear my music.
6. People are leaving me alone.
7. Beau.
8. Baby.
9. My neighborhood.
10. My work.

Rain

It's about to rain. Days like these remind me of T.J. and how we used to spend rainy afternoons. Those slow, soft, warm rainy afternoons. Yeah, I could use one of those days right now....

That was a long time ago......but rain still takes me back there.....

Why is this other part of me waking up right now? This part of me that is thinking of those things.....those things I worked so hard to put to sleep. It's not entirely a good thing to have an awareness of something you can't have. To lie awake at night and think about what I'm missing. I might prefer to put that part of me back to sleep.....not to dream those dreams, not to dream at all. Not to want. Not to yearn for the unattainable.

Something New

I

just

want

you

to

find

me.


Deep. Down. All the way down.

The real me.

i'm in here.

Something old.....from '03.

through the car window i could see it all.

lives bustling through the streets.

wind caressing his warm skin like i wish i could.

when will i ever escape the confines of these four doors and get my life back?

— instead of keeping "safe" behind these weeping transparent walls

— i want out, but i can't find the right key.

Poems. Some old. Some new.

Kiss
green quickly,

then soon experiment

between the naked blooms

of winter

and

the heavy vines

of summer.








My glorious

impressions

live

deep

in here.

Beneath

the morning

and

above the fermented

passions

of

electric dreams.








sweetly,
slowly....

start.

i want to feel
your breath
on
my neck.

10 Things I'm Grateful For Today

1. My friend, Cat.

2. Spring.

3. Baby.

4. Beau.

5. My eyes.

6. My health.

7. My creativity.

8. My brain that works, sometimes.

9. My house.

10. Friends and family.

The Orchid Poem

I am an orchid with many blooms,
fragile, yet strong.

I stay open no matter what may happen.

I need light to flourish,
but not too much.

I need water to nourish myself, too,
but I need to dry out and
absorb
what has come before.

I like to be with others,
but I need my own space.

I bloom for long periods of time,
then I may be dormant and need to be fertilized,

gently and lovingly,

in order to gain my strength

and

blossom

once more.

My Poor Orchid

None of this is insightful or particularly interesting to anyone, even me. It's just what's happening......

My neighbor across the street is having a yard sale today, so I went over to check it out this morning. When I came home, I Beau had knocked over my orchid, my precious orchid with it's three new blooms. The same three new blooms I have been waiting a year for and was hoping would last for six months. Yeah, that orchid. The one I've been planning on taking lots of pictures of, the one I only have one picture of so far, the one that has had it's three beautiful bloom broken off of....they're in a bud vase now. I hope they'll at least last long enough for me to get some pictures of them.....Bad Beau.

I took a bike ride this morning after my coffee group. It was nice, but I should have gone before coffee.....just got side tracked with the orchid fiasco. By the time coffee was over it was already getting a little too warm. How can the weather go from being too cold to too warm so fast?? I wanted to enjoy the Spring, but I've been having to stay in to get all this artwork finished on time.....

Last night was Cat's opening at the new gallery. I intended on confronting the owner about how he's going to pay me for the pieces of mine he has, but I guess I hadn't had enough wine to give me the courage. I'm way too nice sometimes...maybe I'll just send him a bill.......sometimes this town is just too small. Other than having to see that guy, I had a nice time. Drew was playing the guitar for the gallery, so it was nice to see him and chat a little. I'm going to see if he can play for my opening next month.....Cat and I went to dinner afterwards, and it was really good. A little on the expensive side, but good.....

And I finally got the photos shot of my painted pieces...at least the ones that are finished. Of course, there are lots more to finish......now I'm off to try to get the hanging hardware put on......then they have to be varnished and have time to cure.....and then on Friday they go to the first show at Eric's studio......and the whirlwind starts! It would really be nice to have someone to help me with all this....someone to be supportive and helpful...it gets really old having to try to remember everything and do everything myself....you know, the two brains are better than one theory....the four hands are better than two theory works equally well here...

There's some kind of sustainability network place (www.arnetwork.org) that's having it's grand opening today. I'm supposed to be going by there with Susan, who's in town from California. It may be the last time I get to see her before she goes back, so I don't want to miss it, even though I really should be working.....it's almost 2:00 and I haven't gotten a lick of work done yet! Seems to be how all my days are going....so much to do, so little time.....Calgon, take me away!

Yearning

The tenderness of the couple at the next table is touching. It's Spring, when all of the trees around are "snowing" with little blooms, blossoms, and pollen. A little "tree fluff" lands on her eye lashes. He says, "Hold still.", reaches up and gently wipes it off. He covers her drink to protect it from the tree fluff. He reaches across the table with a bite of his food on his fork. She opens her mouth and he feeds her. Such small things, but with such great meaning.

My heart aches for that — when I let it. When I open myself and actually let myself feel. I know I'm missing out on something that can be so wonderful, fulfilling and genuine. It's all the other times I've tried that holds me back. All the times I've been disappointed, crushed, hurt. I'm too optimistic. I think, "This one is different. I've learned my lesson. I won't let this one use me like that. I'll never let myself be hurt like that again..."

But have I REALLY learned my lesson? Can I save myself from being crushed? Have I grown up enough to give of myself without giving up myself?

I guess there's only one way to find out, huh?

Spring

I got on here today to find out it's been almost a year since my last post. A year is a pretty long time. A lot has happened in this last year. I was in a two person show with my friend, Cat. I started a whole new health program. We finally got a diagnosis for my mother's problems. My dog, Belle, died. My aunt died. But, overall, I feel pretty good about this last year. I guess the positives outweigh the negatives. Now, it's spring again. I always feel optimistic in the spring. Everything is warm, fresh, and new....so I get a whole new outlook on life. They should start the new year in March instead of January, when everything is cold and dead. Start the new year in the spring, when the earth is waking up for a new year.

I'm working on getting pieces ready for 4 shows all within the next month. Ill be able to breath and relax again then...although, I have to admit it feels good to have deadlines, and goals to work towards. Getting up in the morning and knowing what has to get done today......Maybe I'll set another goal of posting to my blog more regularly. I don't know if anyone even reads it besides me. I'm probably better off not knowing. If I thought people were reading it, I probably wouldn't express myself as openly as I do. That's another goal......expressing myself better, whether through words, actions, or artwork. I need to let people know how I feel instead of keeping myself bottled up inside.

That's enough for now. Real life calls. More soon......a promise to myself.

Where Do You Sleep

where do you sleep —
who do you dream of —

am i as transparent as i feel?

i wait.
i listen.
i yearn.
silently.

do you know that someone sees you —
really sees you?
not superficially,
but beneath the mask—
and she likes what she sees
so far.......

where do you sleep —
who do you dream of —
could it be me?