Ten Things. Today. It's a little harder today.

1. My car is paid for.
2. My health.
3. It rained and got alot of the pollen out of the air.
4. It's almost time for the opening.
5. I can hear my music.
6. People are leaving me alone.
7. Beau.
8. Baby.
9. My neighborhood.
10. My work.

Rain

It's about to rain. Days like these remind me of T.J. and how we used to spend rainy afternoons. Those slow, soft, warm rainy afternoons. Yeah, I could use one of those days right now....

That was a long time ago......but rain still takes me back there.....

Why is this other part of me waking up right now? This part of me that is thinking of those things.....those things I worked so hard to put to sleep. It's not entirely a good thing to have an awareness of something you can't have. To lie awake at night and think about what I'm missing. I might prefer to put that part of me back to sleep.....not to dream those dreams, not to dream at all. Not to want. Not to yearn for the unattainable.

Something New

I

just

want

you

to

find

me.


Deep. Down. All the way down.

The real me.

i'm in here.

Something old.....from '03.

through the car window i could see it all.

lives bustling through the streets.

wind caressing his warm skin like i wish i could.

when will i ever escape the confines of these four doors and get my life back?

— instead of keeping "safe" behind these weeping transparent walls

— i want out, but i can't find the right key.

Poems. Some old. Some new.

Kiss
green quickly,

then soon experiment

between the naked blooms

of winter

and

the heavy vines

of summer.








My glorious

impressions

live

deep

in here.

Beneath

the morning

and

above the fermented

passions

of

electric dreams.








sweetly,
slowly....

start.

i want to feel
your breath
on
my neck.

10 Things I'm Grateful For Today

1. My friend, Cat.

2. Spring.

3. Baby.

4. Beau.

5. My eyes.

6. My health.

7. My creativity.

8. My brain that works, sometimes.

9. My house.

10. Friends and family.

The Orchid Poem

I am an orchid with many blooms,
fragile, yet strong.

I stay open no matter what may happen.

I need light to flourish,
but not too much.

I need water to nourish myself, too,
but I need to dry out and
absorb
what has come before.

I like to be with others,
but I need my own space.

I bloom for long periods of time,
then I may be dormant and need to be fertilized,

gently and lovingly,

in order to gain my strength

and

blossom

once more.

My Poor Orchid

None of this is insightful or particularly interesting to anyone, even me. It's just what's happening......

My neighbor across the street is having a yard sale today, so I went over to check it out this morning. When I came home, I Beau had knocked over my orchid, my precious orchid with it's three new blooms. The same three new blooms I have been waiting a year for and was hoping would last for six months. Yeah, that orchid. The one I've been planning on taking lots of pictures of, the one I only have one picture of so far, the one that has had it's three beautiful bloom broken off of....they're in a bud vase now. I hope they'll at least last long enough for me to get some pictures of them.....Bad Beau.

I took a bike ride this morning after my coffee group. It was nice, but I should have gone before coffee.....just got side tracked with the orchid fiasco. By the time coffee was over it was already getting a little too warm. How can the weather go from being too cold to too warm so fast?? I wanted to enjoy the Spring, but I've been having to stay in to get all this artwork finished on time.....

Last night was Cat's opening at the new gallery. I intended on confronting the owner about how he's going to pay me for the pieces of mine he has, but I guess I hadn't had enough wine to give me the courage. I'm way too nice sometimes...maybe I'll just send him a bill.......sometimes this town is just too small. Other than having to see that guy, I had a nice time. Drew was playing the guitar for the gallery, so it was nice to see him and chat a little. I'm going to see if he can play for my opening next month.....Cat and I went to dinner afterwards, and it was really good. A little on the expensive side, but good.....

And I finally got the photos shot of my painted pieces...at least the ones that are finished. Of course, there are lots more to finish......now I'm off to try to get the hanging hardware put on......then they have to be varnished and have time to cure.....and then on Friday they go to the first show at Eric's studio......and the whirlwind starts! It would really be nice to have someone to help me with all this....someone to be supportive and helpful...it gets really old having to try to remember everything and do everything myself....you know, the two brains are better than one theory....the four hands are better than two theory works equally well here...

There's some kind of sustainability network place (www.arnetwork.org) that's having it's grand opening today. I'm supposed to be going by there with Susan, who's in town from California. It may be the last time I get to see her before she goes back, so I don't want to miss it, even though I really should be working.....it's almost 2:00 and I haven't gotten a lick of work done yet! Seems to be how all my days are going....so much to do, so little time.....Calgon, take me away!

Yearning

The tenderness of the couple at the next table is touching. It's Spring, when all of the trees around are "snowing" with little blooms, blossoms, and pollen. A little "tree fluff" lands on her eye lashes. He says, "Hold still.", reaches up and gently wipes it off. He covers her drink to protect it from the tree fluff. He reaches across the table with a bite of his food on his fork. She opens her mouth and he feeds her. Such small things, but with such great meaning.

My heart aches for that — when I let it. When I open myself and actually let myself feel. I know I'm missing out on something that can be so wonderful, fulfilling and genuine. It's all the other times I've tried that holds me back. All the times I've been disappointed, crushed, hurt. I'm too optimistic. I think, "This one is different. I've learned my lesson. I won't let this one use me like that. I'll never let myself be hurt like that again..."

But have I REALLY learned my lesson? Can I save myself from being crushed? Have I grown up enough to give of myself without giving up myself?

I guess there's only one way to find out, huh?

Spring

I got on here today to find out it's been almost a year since my last post. A year is a pretty long time. A lot has happened in this last year. I was in a two person show with my friend, Cat. I started a whole new health program. We finally got a diagnosis for my mother's problems. My dog, Belle, died. My aunt died. But, overall, I feel pretty good about this last year. I guess the positives outweigh the negatives. Now, it's spring again. I always feel optimistic in the spring. Everything is warm, fresh, and new....so I get a whole new outlook on life. They should start the new year in March instead of January, when everything is cold and dead. Start the new year in the spring, when the earth is waking up for a new year.

I'm working on getting pieces ready for 4 shows all within the next month. Ill be able to breath and relax again then...although, I have to admit it feels good to have deadlines, and goals to work towards. Getting up in the morning and knowing what has to get done today......Maybe I'll set another goal of posting to my blog more regularly. I don't know if anyone even reads it besides me. I'm probably better off not knowing. If I thought people were reading it, I probably wouldn't express myself as openly as I do. That's another goal......expressing myself better, whether through words, actions, or artwork. I need to let people know how I feel instead of keeping myself bottled up inside.

That's enough for now. Real life calls. More soon......a promise to myself.

Where Do You Sleep

where do you sleep —
who do you dream of —

am i as transparent as i feel?

i wait.
i listen.
i yearn.
silently.

do you know that someone sees you —
really sees you?
not superficially,
but beneath the mask—
and she likes what she sees
so far.......

where do you sleep —
who do you dream of —
could it be me?