The Girls.

The Girls., originally uploaded by artouttamymind.

I went to a workshop this past weekend to learn about the wet plate collodion process. There was a group of four of us. It was pretty great to get out of town, hang out with a group of friends I haven't seen in a while, and collaborate on making some art. I think everyone's pieces just kept getting better as the day progressed.

This is my first one. There are three more to come....and two of those feel like the beginnings of some new series and a new direction for my work....

I Was Almost There

I Was Almost There, originally uploaded by artouttamymind.

This was taken in MacArthur Park, just outside the Arts Center, right before a rain storm and my class. I didn't see that it reflected how I felt until I started working on the image in the middle of the night, getting ready to post it to Flickr. I think it shows a little of how I've been feeling lately....like everything is colorful "out there", and I'm "in here", where things are quite blurry and almost dark, with just glimmers of what could be possible....

Long Forgotten Memories

Long Forgotten Memories, originally uploaded by artouttamymind.

Memories are funny things. I've got memories of things that didn't even happen to me, and probably no memories of many things that did.

Wispy, fleeting, faint, and gauzy...this image exemplifies how I feel today.

Watching You

Watching You, originally uploaded by artouttamymind.

More often than not, Beau likes to look at me with one eye, so I thought this image was very appropriate. Maybe I should've titled it "Keeping an Eye on You".

Quality

Quality, originally uploaded by artouttamymind.

What makes one image more interesting than another? They all come from same place inside me....I know some are better than others. I know some are easier to make than others....but when I put one "out" for the world to see, I'm not quite clear on what makes other people want to look at one more than another...

As the Darkness Whispers My Name

As the Darkness Whispers My Name, originally uploaded by artouttamymind.

The darkness has certainly been whispering my name lately, especially with all the snow and ice we've been getting. But I've been trying to fight off the isolation.

It helps to get phone calls from old friends, calling to check on me. Even though they're far away, I really appreciate knowing there are people out there who care about me....

You know who you are.....

The Story of How I Got Afraid to Share My Feelings....

or, One of the Ways My Chi Got Blocked....

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, about 30 miles to be exact, I had a secret relationship with a guy. I can't say he was a man, because after all, we were both teenagers. Now, this was over 30 years ago, so things were different back then. Relationships such as ours were frowned upon to say the least. Only our closest trusted friends knew about us. Let's call him "V". I was in love with "V" and since I couldn't talk about it or show it in any public sort of way, I did the only other thing I knew how to do to get my feelings out.....I wrote about them. A lot.... Poetry.... Prose...whatever I could do to say how I felt....

In the meantime, there lived another bunch of guys up on a hillside, overlooking my little village community. These guys were a normal sort of partying, frat boy (without the fraternity) lot. Some of them worked real jobs. Some went to college. They all drank and partied and did what the could to get over on other people. I had dated one of them. We'll call him "P". He really wasn't like all the others, but he lived there with them. He had gotten a job on a riverboat where he would stay for weeks at a time, only getting time off for a few days here and there. He would call me, occasionally, when he was getting off and make a date with me for when he would be in town. We always had a great time together. I liked him a lot, but he wasn't around much and didn't expect me to sit at home and wait on him. In fact, he encouraged me to go out with other people and have a good time. But that's another story.

So I started going out with V. We had a good time together too. We both dated other people and kept it casual. Sort of. I was probably more emotionally attached than he was, but that's another story, too. Eventually, he moved to Little Rock. We still saw each other, but not as often. I met another guy. We'll call him, "TROUBLE". As I was withdrawing emotionally from V, and beginning to have feelings for TROUBLE, I came across some of my old writings about V. These had been my innermost thoughts and dreams, but I was outgrowing them and decided that in order to move on, I shouldn't have those around any more. So I did what any normal 19 year old would do, I put them in the trash with my phone bills and other assorted objects that could be traced back to me.

It had been several months since I had seen P. I broke up with V when I realized that I was spending more and more time trying to hang out with TROUBLE, even just as friends......

Then it happened. I got a phone call one day. This was the dark ages. There was no such thing as caller id. You answered the phone and you took your chances. This guy didn't say who he was, but he sure knew me. He knew me better than just about anyone. He knew my deep dark secrets and innermost thoughts and dreams. He wondered out loud how P would feel about them. He wondered out loud if maybe I would do things to keep P from finding out how I felt about V, or that V even existed. He knew where I lived..... right down the hill from where he lived, where he and all of his partying, drinking buddies lived. He wondered out loud if maybe they should all come down and "party" with me so their friend P wouldn't find out about V. It seems that my cheapskate landlord didn't want to pay for trash pick up in my little village and had taken all our trash up the hill to the frat boy village dumpsters on the hill. Some hillside varmits had gotten into said trash dumpsters and scattered my deep dark secrets, phone bills, and other assorted identifying information all along the hilltop for everyone to see.

In short, he scared me shitless. I wasn't scared about P finding out about V, or anyone finding out about V for that matter. It was over and we were still friends (we still are, but that's yet another story). What I was scared about was that these drunks knew exactly where I lived, and there was not one voice of reason among them. I wouldn't put it past them to come up with all sort of unsavory ideas, and I was 19, living alone. This led to many worried and sleepless nights. Several more late drunken phone calls, and more sleepless nights....

Well, long story short, no one ever showed up at my door in the middle of the night. I lived through it, only left with this unsettling feeling of not feeling quite safe. Like the shoe might drop any minute and there's nothing I can do to prevent it. And the idea that it's not safe to show your true innermost deep feelings because someone, inevitably, will use them against you.

Not really a happily ever after to this one.....

Except that maybe these feelings come out in my artwork. I obscure my innermost feelings within the artwork. Only the ones who know me best might see what I'm really saying, maybe only me. Maybe I'm not even aware of what's coming out. Maybe I'll see it some day, 30 some odd years from now. Maybe I'll see that the poetry and phone calls and infusing my work with my emotions is what helped shape me into who I am today.

About Time

Time to post another random blog. No one ever reads it anyway, but it's good for me to vent every now and then. Yet again, lots has changed since I posted here, and lots has stayed the same. By way of changes, I've changed a lot, personally. I feel like I'm growing and simplifying. I'm trying to concentrate only on what's important to me. Family. Art. Photography. Friends. Not necessarily in that order. There may be less of me to see on the outside, but more on the inside.

"It is what it is" is becoming one of my sayings. "Que sera, sera". If I let it go, it will come....and it has. Opportunities have been coming my way since I gave up, gave in and just started trying to enjoy the ride. I have learned that my life is harder when I let the stresses of everyday life take over and consume my thoughts. When I let go and stop worrying, good things come my way.

Sarah Susanka says in her book, The Not So Big Life, "If you believe it, so it will be. That's how it works – believe something, and your movie shifts to reflect that belief." And it's true. She also says, 'Stay relaxed – no obsessing or resisting required – and in short order you'll be experiencing the flow for yourself." I'm finding that to be true too. I'm so grateful that this book has found me now, when I'm ready for it. If it had come to me a couple of years ago, I don't think I would have been able to absorb or appreciate all the wisdom in it. Thank you, Sarah, for putting your wisdom in a book form and sharing it with the world. D. got to meet her last month when she gave a lecture for the college where he works. I wish I could've been there too.

Since I've let go off expectations, I've had a great opportunity come my way. I've started teaching a class! My friend J. called and asked me to come teach this class! It's fun! It gets me out of the house, and it gets me thinking creatively again. I've really been enjoying it, and the students seem to be enjoying it too. I hope to be able to keep doing it for a long time.

Other things in my life are still the same, but I think I'm handling them better now that my chi is not so blocked. I still have no support, except the help I pay for, but I'm grateful for the help I DO have, paid or not. It could be worse. I could have no help at all. And we have our health, and M. is staying pretty stable for now. I just try to keep things calm and the routine going smoothly, and she's happy. The important thing. She's happy.

Yesterday was World Pinhole Day. Here's what I posted in the online gallery....


Here's the link to see the whole exhibit:

pinholeday.org

Our classes got together and had field trips....First, we made our cameras and tested them. Then, on Sunday, we went out and shot them, developed them, and then posted them to the web site. I think we all had lots of fun.

Yep

Yet another year has gone by since I've written anything in cyberspace. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I still have all the same responsibilities. I still get overwhelmed. I'm still an optimist. I still believe it's all going to get better. I'm not sure how. Or when. Just that it will...

One big project is finally finished and we're all much more comfortable and glad it's over. I'm learning how to be creative with my little snippets of time. My little phone with a camera in it goes with me everywhere and I'm playing with it every chance I get. It's beginning to fill the hole that was left from the absence of my beloved Polaroid film.

D. finished school and has a job he really likes. He seems pretty settled and happy for now. I'm very proud of him and happy for him. 

I went on my trip to SF again and loved it again. AND I'm going to get to go again this year, hopefully. I need it. I really need it. I wish I could leave right now.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Ok. It's been almost a year since my last post. That's because my life has been turned upside down. I went on my trip out west and had a wonderful time. It's a good thing because I've had those memories to hold onto and to help me get through all the changes that have come my way. They're not exactly all positive changes, and they've kind of been thrown on me without my consent.

I'm dealing and adjusting the best I can. Trying to take it one day at a time. But 11 months into this adventure, I still don't feel like I have a handle on this responsibility. I'm in this all alone and I'm not getting any help from my family. My friends have been great, but I'm still on my own with basically no help. It wears me out, having absolutely no time to recharge myself....

Just trying to hang in there....

It's About Time

Time for my vacation, that is. Today is my last day at home. I have two thousand things to do to get ready, so of course I'm writing in my blog instead. Figures. I guess I'm just a dyed-in-the-wool procrastinator. It'll get done. I hope.

Still trying to get used to the new computer. It's sweet-fast, but a little screen and the keyboard is so different from what I'm used to...plus, I haven't installed all my software onto it yet. Still have to install printer and scanner software, at least, but that can wait. I'm on vacation!

I'm going to meet new people, and see new places. Take pictures, pictures, and more pictures. Wish I had gotten around to getting a holga lens for the camera, but I'll live without it, I guess. Or maybe even a lensbaby for the digital slr. I might actually be able to find one at the Workshops out there, though. From their web site they seem to be pretty well stocked. I might even find some Polaroid film there too. Can't wait to be in a dry climate. And I'm such a visuallly oriented person, well you could say I expect to be stimulated......visually, that is.

I guess I'd better get going and start getting ready for my trip out west. Yee, haw!

Update.........

Well, it's been about a month and a half since I last wrote here. Things have been pretty hectic, and I'm not really sure how I feel.

D. came home for a couple of weeks. It was wonderful to have him around. He's getting so grown up. He would argue that he IS grown up, but he's not quite there, yet. He's off at his summer job now, at a fabulous place, doing fantastic things, learning and enjoying himself immensely, I'm sure. In fact, he just called as I was writing this, and he is definitely doing well. I'm so proud of him.

The last pieces from the big show came back this week, so my house is full of my work again. I'm gearing up for the trip to Santa Fe, starting to feel anxious about all that needs to get done before I go. But I know I'm going to love it once I get gone.

Feeling a little lonely these days. Not really sure why. Nothing has changed to make me any more lonely than before. I guess maybe it just comes and goes in waves. I'm getting all introspective. I've seen funny things that I wanted to tell someone about, but then remembered that I don't' really have someone that close to share with...I've made some progress on some issues I'm dealing with, and there's no one to notice and appreciate. Sometimes I miss having someone to hang out with......someone who wants to just be with me, who knows me well enough to know my habits and quirks and loves me anyway. Someone who gets me.

So to try to escape these feelings, I'll go out and take some pictures. I'll get on my computer and browse Flickr, or read email...I'll do anything except what I need to be doing.....then, I'll get dressed, put on my happy face, and go to an Artist's reception at the Clinton Library...though, I'm not really feeling it. It's a wonderful accomplishment, but it feels hollow not having someone to share it with. Will the real Mr. Special please hurry up and stand up? This waiting is getting old.

Questions....

Who Am I, Really?

And what's in store for the future?

Is there anybody out there?

Does anyone read this?

Am I invisible?

Well.....

it looks like I haven't written anything here in a couple of weeks. Not really much of anything of interest to write about. The last exhibit of the big 4 was a little over a week ago. Finally did sell some, but not all, of the 9 pieces that were in the show. It was a weaker turn out than usual, also weaker bids and sales than usual, overall, not just for me, but it doesn't really make me feel much better about it. My big solo show comes down this weekend, no sales there yet, as far as I know. Then, there's another one coming up in June, but I plan to only make a couple of new pieces for it......between what I have coming back from PHP and RM, plus a couple of new ones, there should be plenty of work to fill up the space. I'm not holding out much hope for this one, either, since I've only sold one piece there in almost 3 years...but, then, I haven't had a solo show there yet, either......we'll see.

I've been feeling a little disjointed lately. I guess, since the flurry of activity has died down. I've been trying to get caught up with all the other things I blew off, but don't really feel like I've made much progress in that direction. My house is cleaner now and most of the bills paid, though, so that's at least a little progress...but my To Do list never seems to get shorter, somehow. I'm not quite sure what I need to do to gather myself back together to move forward. Maybe writing in this blog will help...

I'm waiting on the phone person to come and work on my phone line today. Don't you hate it when they say someone has to be there between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m.??? Of course, I immediately start thinking of all the things I could be/should be doing AWAY from the house, instead of relaxing into it and relishing the time I have to not HAVE to leave...another one of those "Why" things to ponder......

13 Things That Will Be Coming My Way Soon....

1. D is coming home.
2. A new computer (24" iMac, at least 2 g RAM, 500 g hd).
3. A new camera (Nikon D80) with plenty of storage and extra battery.
4. Santa Fe!!!!!!!!!!
5. A visit from my Cuz S!
6. A check from PHP.
7. A surprise print in the mail from J.
8. Santa Fe!!!! I know, but it's good enough to list twice!!!!
9. Unexpected money.
10. Two new tires for my road trip.
11. Portfolio packets ready for new galleries.
12. An appointment with a gallery in SF.
13. Doors opening for new galleries in new and bigger markets.

Update.........

Well, 3 of the 4 shows are over....not completely over. The solo show will be up for 3 more weeks....but I haven't sold a thing, so far. The last one has historically been one of my best selling shows, though, so I still hold out some hope. That's me the eternal optimist....it's always, next time will be better.....I've had lots and lots of positive comments, so that helps me hold out hope. Next Saturday is the last one, then nothing until June, when I have another one person show. Don't expect to sell much there, though. I've only sold one piece there in almost 3 years. Saturday is also a wedding reception that I need to go to, so it will be a busy day. And I still have to make a few more prints and get them to the co-ordinator people for the auction this week, so I can't totally relax yet.....

My body is tired, but I can't sleep. I guess it just takes some time to wind down from all the activity of the past few weeks. It's all stormy looking and cold outside. It will be a good night for curling up with a good book or old movie, a glass of wine, and a wish for someone to snuggle with. Tomorrow will be a catch up day again, to get ready for the next flurry of activity for the week......but tonight, ahhhh, tonight is just for me for a change.

Easter 2007

This is the postcard for my solo show which opens Friday, yes, Friday the 13th (of April)....I choose to think of it as a lucky day....never really been the superstitious sort....more info at www.rivermarketartspace.com

Things are quiet around here so far today.....a welcome change from the chaos of the last few weeks. SG is closed for the holiday, so I was forced to stay home and make my own coffee and breakfast....it's a good thing, as Martha would say. I made it just the way I like it...made me feel "special". I'm enjoying taking a little while out to just be, and breathe before the next wave of activity hits. I could/should be prioritizing for that next wave, but I think what I'm doing is just right for now. It will all get done in it's own time, and if it doesn't, it wasn't that important.

The light outside is really nice today. Maybe if it warms up a little, I'll get out and soak some of it up....maybe read a little, maybe even paint, or print...or not....exercise #3 in "Being Good To Me 101".....

On another note, I have a few things to add to a grateful list today:

1. I've noticed a bud coming up on the stem of orchids that Beau broke off! The old blooms are dying, but new life is coming back....yeah!
2. Beau and Baby are entertaining me each morning and I'm really taking the time to sit back and enjoy it...they're much better than tv....
3. Flickr friends are great! Just when I'm about to believe no one "gets it".....someone does. Very rewarding.
Lets see if I can come up with 7 more while I'm on a roll!
4. The sun is shining.
5. My phone has not rung all day!!!!
6. I've enjoyed chatting with people who matter.
7. Amaretto.
8. Coffee with Amaretto.
9. Warm, snuggly socks on chilly mornings.
10. NOT getting up and freezing my butt off at the crack of dawn to go to a sunrise service that I wouldn't enjoy anyway! (Did that a couple of times for a guy, and even with long johns, it was NOT fun!)

Yay, I made it. Sometimes it's hard to come up with 10 things I'm grateful for, other times, it's easy. You try it. It can change your whole point of view....

Catching Up

Well, the show is almost half way hung. One piece got damaged from at the show last weekend. Another piece got damaged while it was in my car overnight, I guess. It has a little puckering on the margin of the paper where it must have gotten wet...don't know how it could happen, but obviously it i did. So I can't show it. I'm bummed. That piece was just about my favorite one and it was big and colorful and I was going to put it where it was the first thing people would see when they came in the door...I don't think there's time to get another one done before time for the show, so I'm going to just have to suck it up and get over it. But I'm still bummed.

Still have a lot I could be doing......more work. There are two other shows I need to get pieces ready for, but I can't seem to worry about them until I get this one done....been trying to clean the house, which has been very neglected recently, and spending some time with my mom,....and resting a little. Still have a pile of bills to catch up on...I need to be out doing my walking and bike riding, but the weather has turned cold all of a sudden. Did get over to the Med Center exercise room once this week for a while, and went back to yoga class. That felt good. I'm hoping to get back at it and make it a priority. I need to make ME a priority.

Went to my Saturday morning coffee group this morning, a little late (the dogs were entertaining me!). Maybe that's why it seemed different. I didn't get in on all the good stuff and most people were ready to leave by the time I got there...If I don't come out of that feeling good, it usually seems to roll over into the rest of my day. I'm trying to not focus on that feeling though, and choosing to think about the good.....The dogs really were extremely entertaining! Baby had Beau on the run for a good 10 minutes....

My thoughts keep heading for this summer....I have a goal...I'm going to go to Santa Fe. I don't know how, or exactly when, or with whom, if anyone, yet, but I'm going. It's going to be some wonderful ME time that I really need and deserve.

Ten Things. Today. It's a little harder today.

1. My car is paid for.
2. My health.
3. It rained and got alot of the pollen out of the air.
4. It's almost time for the opening.
5. I can hear my music.
6. People are leaving me alone.
7. Beau.
8. Baby.
9. My neighborhood.
10. My work.

Rain

It's about to rain. Days like these remind me of T.J. and how we used to spend rainy afternoons. Those slow, soft, warm rainy afternoons. Yeah, I could use one of those days right now....

That was a long time ago......but rain still takes me back there.....

Why is this other part of me waking up right now? This part of me that is thinking of those things.....those things I worked so hard to put to sleep. It's not entirely a good thing to have an awareness of something you can't have. To lie awake at night and think about what I'm missing. I might prefer to put that part of me back to sleep.....not to dream those dreams, not to dream at all. Not to want. Not to yearn for the unattainable.

Something New

I

just

want

you

to

find

me.


Deep. Down. All the way down.

The real me.

i'm in here.